No Football Player Left Behind

I have quite a few things to post about this week, many of which (unsurprisingly) are about one of my pet issues, education. But this email I received tonight has to go to the front of the line:

For all educators, in or out of the system …

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND - The Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents.

ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game.

It will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind.

If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes, preventing their children from having to go to school with bad football players.

Heh, that's amazing. If I were in charge of things, NCLB would be outta here, and its wretched offspring, the TAKS test, would simply be used for the purpose designated by its second word--an assessment, and nothing more. But that's another post for another time; until then, I hope you got a laugh out of the above.