Statement Cookies

I eat a lot of Chinese food during the week (although purists would sneer at my choices, since I usually end up either here or here , as opposed to the "authentic" Mom-and-Pop places that aren't really on my teaching route), so I've gotten more than my share of fortune cookies recently. Over the weekend, DMN writer Matt Wixon noted that one of the major producers of the cookies is about to give some of the fortunes an extreme makeover:

Wonton Food Inc. produces millions of fortune cookies each day. That makes it the fortune cookie king of America, and therefore, “soon to be showered with good luck” and “destined for many exciting adventures!”

[...](S)ome of the classic fortunes might soon get tossed like a Chinese to-go box from deep in the fridge. Wonton has decided to get more contemporary with its cookie messages, including one that says, “Time to get some professional help.”

Wonton’s marketing coordinator explained the new fortunes in a story in The New York Times.

“We wanted our fortune cookies to be a little more value-added,” he said.

Heh--you've gotta love when something as simple as a fortune cookie gets covered up in corporate gobbledygook.

But one thing that I've noticed recently is that what's inside the cookie rarely rises to the level of a fortune; they really should be called Statement Cookies most of the time. Using a random sampling method known as "cleaning out my wallet," I discovered that the statements far outnumbered the fortunes:

• Love is like war; easy to begin but hard to stop.


• Good food brings good health and longevity.


• Getting together with friends brings new adventures.


• A quiet evening with friends is the best tonic for a long day. (Hmm, I'm starting to sense a theme here.)


• Keep true to the dreams of your youth.


• Your example will inspire others.


• Next week, green will be a lucky color for you.

Of the above, only the last one really seems to qualify as a fortune; the third one, in fact, sounds more like a command. (And if you're wondering why I have so many fortunes in my wallet, it's because I sometimes play the lottery numbers that are on the bottom of the piece of paper. Winning something off that would make even the most statement-oriented cookie worthwhile.)

Your assignment for this week, should you choose to accept it: Bring in the most statement-oriented fortune you can find, and put it in the comments. Also, read the whole article and try to come up with some "value-added" fortunes of your own.

Better late than never: An Ohio couple got their wedding photos in the mail recently, just in time for their 27th anniversary.